I'm old now but so are all of you!

Well I recently celebrated my 25^th birthday and no, I don’t believe that you remembered, but that is not the issue here.  My most recent trip around the sun has seen me cross the quarter century mark, an occasion some might have thought I would have never made it to (and would have paid out three to one if anyone took that action early).  The point is that on this particular birthday I finally started to feel old, a bit more like an adult.  Looking at my life I now officially have bills to pay, I cook and I clean, I make sure I have clean underwear and I have to pay the tax man (no more free money, now they want ME to pay THEM?).  I realized that, without me noticing, I have responsibilities and obligations now, things that are synonymous with adulthood and completely absent from a child’s mind.  After a momentary breakdown (so much broken glass...) I pulled myself back together and realized that people just get old faster these days, so really we are all old.

This is how I pull it back together (picture courtesy of theoatmeal.com...well, stolen from theoatmeal.com)

An age old proof that someone is old is the phrase, “Back in my day we used to use to [blank]”.  Yup, conjures up mental images of old Grandpappy McGee giving you a once over about respecting your elders....followed by a few racist remarks that were common in his time (silly Grandpappy).  The point I am trying to make is that my grandpa is old for saying he used to use a phonograph, my dad is old for saying that he used to play records, but I am now old for saying that I used to use all of cassettes, CD’s, mini disc (did anyone really use them though?) and NOW iPODS!!  That’s right; we are officially in an age where if you are using an iPod you are a vastly shrinking minority.  People are increasingly using their cell phones as personal music devices making the mp3 player needless clutter when you are trying to keep your pocket weight down (mp3 players go straight to your thighs).  Everyone except infants had to at least outlive one of those pieces of new age tech right?  When moments ago I could swear everyone was dancing around like in the Apple commercials, now I can’t remember if I just went to a MOMA drunk...

I still dont know if this was at a MOMA or not

I know that I’m also old because money is increasingly less impressive to me.  Like a grown man looking back at the sapling he once climbed thinking it was a mighty redwood, so is the way I view my bank account.  My allowance used to be $5 on the condition that I did all of my chores EVERY SINGLE DAY, no exceptions.  Now I consider $5 for one of many beers of the night a very good deal (less of a good deal the next morning I suppose).  The value of a dollar affects us all equally so I am sure everyone has had this same thought.  Gone is the notion of having a million dollars and being on easy street.  If you have a million dollars nowadays you aren’t called a millionaire, you are simply a homeowner or a good money manager.  Though at the time it may have been true, the Barenaked Ladies now lie for four minutes and twenty seven seconds talking about all they could do with a million dollars.  The only thing that remains true is the fact that Kraft dinner is still delicious at any price.

I love you too, you had me at the bright orange cheese powder....you had me at bright orange cheese power *tear*

Some things don’t just appear to get older prematurely, sometimes they are actually getting too old too fast.  Take for instance the first ever cloned sheep, Dolly.  This was a sheep that died at the age of 6 for a species whose average life span is 11-12 years old.  One theory for the early death is that Dolly, since she was a clone, was BORN OLD!!  Dolly may have been born with the genes of a 6 year old giving ammo to all the Satan worshipers out there (6 when born, lived 6 years, 6 when dead; six, six, six...that can’t be good).  It’s like the scientific community watched the movie “Jack” with Robin Williams and decided, “Ya....we can do that”.

Too bad the scientific community didn't work on trying to make this movie watchable!  HEYO!

Not only have we decided we can clone older animals, turns out we think it is a good idea to eat them.  Don’t get me wrong, I am all for eating the heart of a lion to gain its courage, but why would I eat an old goat to get its grey beard?  Since cloned animals have been finding their way into our meat supply these days, we all very well might be eating these old animals.  And if they aren’t born old, we seem to be finding ways to speed up the aging process.  Cattle are being treated with hormones to speed up the time from birth to slaughter and increase their weight.  Consumption of this meat is potentially leading to the rapidly decreased age young women are experiencing puberty.  There are a million dirty jokes that can be made here but I’m not going to make a single one of them, use your imagination folks because it isn’t that hard.  Point is that if we aren’t eating old things to gain their age we are eating young things that are sped aged which are making us age faster as well...whew, out of breath after that one.

You can see evil in those eyes...makes me hungry for justice but not old, or will make me old, meat

Though I may be getting older I just wanted to remind everyone that you all are getting older as well....that’s right, if I’m going down I’m taking every last one of you with me.  Now if you’ll excuse me I’m feeling the need to go and eat a lion’s heart.

I dont know what to say but I feel completely and utterly cheated...a cologne??  What the crap is going on in this world?

Getting old....What’s up with that?