I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke up MY PILLOW WAS GONE!!

I recently had a dream that I thought might be a little fun to write about.  The title of this post is one of MANY stupid "radio lead in" type jokes that I think are hilarious to imagine being said right before Deep Purple's, Smoke on the Water blasts in.  For some reason I feel the joke gains some legs if, at the end, you throw in a loud and proud, BUM BUM BAAAA, BUM BUM BA-DAAAA!!

Oops, wrong kind of dreams, important lesson none the less though....Follow your dreams kids

I have always thought that sleep and dreams are a little strange; that we can know so little about something that happens to every single person every night is interesting so I opted to do a little digging on the subject.  A couple of fun facts that I have learned are that there appears to be no time dilution effect in the dreams.  It isn't like "Inception" where time travels more slowly in dreams, but rather a 5min dream episode in REM sleep represents five minutes of time within the dream.  This is kind of a bummer because if you ever have a dream you are flying, get ready to crash really really soon.  REM episodes and the dreams associated with them also appear to increase in length through the night.  The first dream at the beginning of the night may be only 10min but by the end of the night you are having 15-20min dreams.  These longer dreams might not be a singular dream though and rather can be broken up in to a veritable unrelated trilogy of dream sequences.  Wierd, I guess it is kind of like watching the movie Crash, those stories tied together looser than a kid wearing Dad's suit.

Sleeping so soundly she has NO IDEA there are child predators watching her, WAKE UP LITTLE GIRL!

On top of that there are umpteen different opinions on what the cause of dreams are and they are all way over my head.  Some people tend to think that it is random pulses from the brain while the brain basically "defragments" (like a computer I guess) its memory space.  Others say that it is the process of short term memories becoming long term memories.  While the memory is moving from the short to the long term storage in the brain, the brain picks up on it decides to dream about it for awhile.  It was even mentioned that sleeping is like a sensory deprived state so dreams might just be "neural oscillations" from being in a system where sensory input and output is very low.  It doesn't look like anyone really knows anything but it doesn't appear to be from lack of effort at least.

This guy unfortunately is putting forth ZERO effort but is looking good doing it

However it came to be, the dream that I had was not very exciting.  In my dream, I woke up normally and noticed that I had only trimmed the fingernails on one of my hands.  My left hand was nicely trimmed and clean but the nails on my right hand were much longer.  I remember wondering how I could have forgotten to trim one hand, was I in a particular hurry to get to bed?  Perhaps at the time I felt that only my left hand needed a trim and my right was good for at least another 12 hours?  Maybe I even did it in my sleep and when you are sleep-trimming your fingernails, it is probably lucky to get one out of two hands?  Whatever the case, while I was pondering this in my dream I awoke and shot up from my bed in a cold sweat yelling, "FINGERNAILS!!"...Well I was more confused than anything but I thought I would try to make the dream at least a little more exciting.

Much more exciting than my dream, you're a robot if you don't well up a bit at the end

According to dreammoods.com. a dream where you notice your fingernails implies that your defenses are up.  Furthermore, if you dream that your fingernails are long then it signifies ones idleness and that you are not taking action.  A whole lot of good dream analysis has done me, now I don't know whether my defenses are up or I am being idle about something?  Rather than think about it too much I think that I am just going to hope that I dream up an answer to this whole thing.  That has to work right?  Or perhaps my defenses are up so high that I can't even notice that I am actually being idle about this situation?  Oh my god, I can't win.

 Dreams...What's up with that?

NOTE: Any information on here came STRAIGHT from wikipedia so it might be wrong.  That said, we dont know what is right so how can it be wrong?

True Blood Truly Blows

The vampire genre burst onto the scene with such speed and fervor it was reminiscent of being in a car accident; it all just happened so fast.  Whether or not the increase in popularity was a calculated move by major movie and television studios or simply the natural recycling of things - like the cutoff point for when retro clothing becomes cool again - I simply do not know.  What I do know though is that from Vampire Diaries to Daybreakers and Twilight to True Blood, vampires have become so widespread that vampire porn is even popular (a measure of success proven by Avatar porn).  Most of these shows or movies are instilled with the concept of a modern vampire, displacing the old thinking of capes and coffins.  This isn't necessarily a bad thing, I mean the old Dracula had about as much a shot of becoming a porno as Frankenstein did.  This new interpretation though, has been handled differently by different sources creating varying degrees of success.  Twilight seems to have done for vampires what Harry Potter did for wizards, while Vampire Diaries and True Blood allow us to get our weekly vampire fix.  I have not seen everything released during this craze (Twilight completely passed me by somehow) but have seen enough that with strong conviction I feel I can say that True Blood truly blows.

This guy's porn career never got off the ground, a shame really

True Blood debuted on HBO in 2008 and is set on the "The Southern Vampire Mysteries" book series by Charleine Harris (hooray for creative book titles!).  The series takes place in a fictional town in Louisiana (the "southern") in a world where Vampires (the "vampire") and humans coexist as a result of the creation of True Blood, an artificial drink that allows vampires to get their sustenance without feeding on humans (but sometimes they do creating "mysteries").  The concept of humans and vampires living in some sort of harmony might not be as radical as the vampire controlled world of Daybreakers, but it is interesting none the less.  Unfortunately the concept of the show is about as interesting as it gets because the execution is just frustrating at times.

SERIOUSLY?  Sunlight on the skin?  It would be funny if he wasn't talking about laundry detergent, HEYO!

The characters of the show run from the mundane to the stereotypical.  The main character is Sookie Stackhouse who, aside from being a darling little waitress, turns out to be telepathic!  Despite her christian upbringing and virgin status as a result of not being able to stomach young boys' dirty thoughts, she ends up falling in love with Vampire Bill.  Not only that, but she quickly sleeps with him in a matter of days AND lets him feed on her because it is so relaxing that she cannot hear his thoughts....you know, because he is probably thinking dirty thoughts about having sex with her and drinking her blood!  They are both backwards and poorly acted characters and they are terrible to observe on their own and WORSE to watch when they are together.  The rest of the characters are almost comical in their inspiration from the homely, grandmother that raised the kids, to the dumb and womanizing brother to the well read but angry black woman with the alcoholic mother. 

The vampire characters are almost non-existent and equally uninspired with their place in society.  Though this is a world where vampires and humans are supposed to be coexisting, every vampire introduced seems to be a blood thirsty, hell bringer content to do what they want, when they want...because that is what vampires have always done.  Many vampires do however seem content to just feed off someone during sex without killing them so maybe that is how we get along now.  So the show basically portrays vampires as blood machines or sex craved blood machines....which is something I swear I have seen before somewhere but I just cant put my finger on it. It is almost as if the writers decided that this show probably wont be picked up so why bother trying to figure it out, waste of time.

See, vampire have been that way since before there was color...SINCE BEFORE COLOR!!

The show just doesnt work from concept to conclusion.  In the show vampires have lived among humans in secret for years and are just now revealing themselves to us as a result of the Japanese invention of True Blood.  Firstly, how the hell did the Japanese find out about the vampires?  Why did they not tell anyone about the vampires?  Why is the first reaction to finding out that vampires do in fact exist, to make blood for them?  And why would a vampire pay money for an inferior blood product when they used to be getting blood for free?  NOTHING ABOUT THE MAIN CONCEPT OF THE SHOW MAKES ANY SENSE!!

I'm sure this movie didn't make much sense either but it is not on trial right now

I tried to just watch the show and say, "Screw it, vampires are cool!" but there is only so much I can handle.  This lack of foresight and poor idea development is the one constant in the show, consistently raising my blood pressure.  Another one of the shows ideas delved into from the start, is that vampire blood is this miracle of miracles....just no one seems to know yet.  Turns out the blood has incredible healing powers able to bring you back from near death AND heighten senses among other things.  Something like this might be useful knowledge except for the fact that the vampires dont want humans to know so that they dont come around looking to harvest vampire blood (you know, turn the tables as the vampires are the ones usually doing the killing).  This is at least a neat idea and it kind of makes sense why vampires want to keep it a secret; except for the fact that vampire blood is also the hippest new drug for the people.  They call it V and all the cool kids are doing it.  So by the third or fourth episode the show changed its mind and decided that vampire blood is better if everyone knows about it AND it can do almost anything instead of just one thing.  Through the first season it was used as a Viagra substitute, a Valium substitute and Heroine substitute along with magic healer and sense enhancer.  None of these happened at the same time though and instead V seems to be used to do what writers want, nay what they need, to bring a story to conclusion.

After taking a bite out of crime I mellow out by taking a bite out of some vampire.

Another major gripe with the show is the constant focus on having sex with a vampire.  This is a running theme throughout the show and other than it being on HBO I can't tell why.  The term "Fang-Banger" is coined and word on the street is that if you are looking for a good time dial 1-900-VAMPIRE (someone should call this number because I am quite curious what is on the other line).  Maxim magazine is even quoted as saying sex with a vampire is one of the top ten things to do before you die.  It is a polarizing issue amongst the community as most think it is unholy to sleep with a vampire.  The whole situation feels awkward and forced though, a situation made ever more apparent when after being presumed dead Vampire Bill rises from the graveyard and IMMEDIATELY has sex with Sookie.  In the Graveyard.  Covered in dirt.  His move was to extend an arm from the ground like a zombie and grab Sookie's ankle.  If that moves doesn't work I don't know what will.  Lame-o.

Turns out the answer is as expensive as I was expecting but not as exciting as I was expecting

There is so much more that I have problems with, from the apparent irrelevance that the show takes place in the deep south, to the stupid love triangles and romantic interactions, all the way to the revelation that there are more than just vampires that go bump in the night.  The thing that bothers me the most though has to be the strong emphasis on vampire sex.  For HBO to ruin the fine genre that is vampire porn is something that I will not stand for nor tolerate.  I do not think it is a stretch to say at all that any single vampire porn is way better than True Blood.  From story to acting to setting I would bet my life on it because True Blood is truly bloody awful (you see what I did there?  Clever as ever).

Quality programing I'm sure, the production value is "high" so it HAS to be good!

One of HBO's flagship programs being absolutely terrible...What's up with that?

Things I Think I Thought....unless I was Incepted of course

The following is a list of things that I have thought over the last couple of days.  I have a strong tendency to let my mind wander and am often surprised by where it ends up.  Even more so, I find that many things are stranger and more curious than people think as most do not "waste" their time with such thoughts.  I hope to make this a recurring post as I have a fun time recording, analyzing and dissecting my more random thoughts.  So here is hopefully the first of many "Things I Think I Thought...unless I was Incepted of course".

• I think it is weird how certain foods can have a breakfast side to them as well.  I had an early morning quesadilla the other day and the only thing that kept it from being a breakfast wrap was the addition of eggs.  I dont know who is in charge of these things but it seems like wraps were able to make the leap to the breakfast game probably boxing out pita in the process.  For that matter why cant I just have a legitimate breakfast sandwich eh?  It has to be a wrap or on an english muffin, why cant I just have an egg sandwich on some whole wheat?
• I think that, on average, a woman's calves are better than the average man's; I think that is just an easily observable fact.  I do have an opinion as to the reason for this though, I think it is purely because of high heels.  I think that if I were to walk around on my toes from time to time (or everyday as I have heard happens) my calves would get a great workout and would probably look great as a result.  I'm going to start wearing 20lb watches on both hands so my shoulders get huge and I can get physical benefits from outerwear.
• I think hippos are just one of the coolest animals ever.  Look them up and read about them because their short list of amazing attributes include: amphibious speech and hearing, incredible speed, ability to produce their own sunscreen, a short temper, giant toothbrushes and the ability to eat people.  Not to mention that they are great dancers apparently.

 

• I don't know what the point of buying a travel mug is, they keep drinks too hot.  The one I have keeps tea too hot to drink for about three hours which has officially become dangerous.  If I am driving and need a caffeine injection so I don't Tokyo Drift off the road, it comes with the price of a stiff burn on the tongue (quite the wake up as well).  I'm not complaining, I'm just saying that sometimes I want some tea and by the time it is cool enough to drink I've had to wait so long I'm not sure if I want it anymore.
• I think the word "cosmos" is a strange and confusing word.  I don't know if it is plural or not, if it is plural then what the hell is a "cosmo"?  I understand it is a drink but that just raises further questions.  If the only difference between the vastness in space and a sweet martini is an "s" the English language is just playing with fire.  What happens where someone orders multiple cosmos eh?  Are we talking about multiple pockets of space or are we just getting drunk?  What is up with these words?
• I think that jaws are weird.  They move in strange ways, they are a large part of peoples face and yet never considered as a favorite attribute, I dont think they have anything to do with a smile but it seems like they probably should and I dont know if you can sprain a jaw or not.  Weird stuff.
• I think that Cinco De Mayo is a very underrated holiday.  I mean, we are in an age where many people feel strongly that St. Patrick's Day should be a national holiday across the world.  You think people would even further support a day that is has drinking along with straw hats and limes.  Why doesn't Corona start a campaign to make it a national holiday?  That sounds like a million dollar idea right there.
• Sex is English's version of the Inuit's (is Eskimo offensive?  It feels like it might be) snow.  Let me explain, everyone talks about how the Inuit have like 20 different words for snow and English is a vague language because we just have snow.  Firstly I don't agree because there is sleet and hail and slush and many others to go along with a bunch of different adjectives and modifiers.  The point of this though is that English, more specifically colloquial slang, has taken an Inuit approach with the word sex.  There are so many different words and ways to describe it that if you cant come up with 10 solid words right off the bat you just aren't trying.  To top it off almost anything sounds like it can have a strong sexual reference; for example, put anything in air quotes and it becomes sexual ("Reading a book", "Juicing some lemons", "Getting some exercise"). 
• Pears, the fruit, are a more popular way of describing objects that are oblong than the geometrical term oblong.  I think that is weird because I would never describe other things without using the associated geometrical term.  My monitor is not "book shaped" or "like a pizza box" it is just square; baseballs aren't "orange shaped" they are just round or a sphere.  I guess I might use the term "ball" more than I say sphere but I definitely say round more than the geometrically correct sphere.  The point is that things that are "pear shaped" are shaped like a pear and not oblong.
• I think it is strange how the days of the week have a certain feelings.  I dont know why it is like that but I think that it has something to do with sleeping cycles.  If you know what day it is I think that your body links the days according to how much you sleep.  Right now I am working 7 days a week so what day it is doesnt matter to me at all, yet the days still have a feeling to me.  I consistently have the days wrong because my sleeping cycle is all out of sorts.  That is my theory at least, I dont know if it is right but it is weird to say the least.

Thinking about things...What's up with that?

The Supa' Bow'

Superbowl Sunday is probably number two on my list of things that I look forward to every year; Christmas takes the top spot because it has the benefit of plenty of family, a nice tree, a fantastic meal AND football.  Right now though it is not Christmas eve but rather the eve of the Supa' Bow' and I am excited about it.  In the issue of full disgression I am a Vikings fan that is bored and annoyed with the Steelers and their fan base so there is not a team that I want to win here.  My loyalties as a Vikings fan mean that it would be much worse to see the Packers win than the Steelers; if the Steelers win whatever I have to deal with a few loud fans but if the Packers win I am going to have to hear about it from every single media source for the next five years.  I am not rooting for the Steelers, but there is a very good chance I will have a solemn moment where I pray for a Packers loss.  Anyway, on to how I see things happening.

Quarterbacks
What's the word on the tip of everyone's tongue?  It is Aaron Rogers and his rise this season to an MVP type performance, solid play from beginning to end and how he has cast off the shadow of Brett Favre.  Well guess what? I am just not buying it, I'm not that impressed.  This guy has had a good year absolutely, but people are talking about how he is statistically the best quarterback in the playoffs and is going to shred the Steelers.  Correct me if I'm wrong but I dont remember him blowing out a questionable Philly defense, nor do I remember him slicing through Chicago save for the opening drive.  I still dont have the feeling that when the Packers need a play, need to convert a third down or something, that Rogers will get it done.  Time and time again when the Steelers need it, Roethlisberger delivers so I give the Steelers the advantage on this one.  The guy is huge and impossible to take down and just always seems to deliver.
Advantage: Steelers

Offense
Lets just call it like it is, the Packers offense has more talent on it than the Steelers.  They can make bigger plays and have more options at receiver whether or not they will be able to run the ball.  Even if they have more talent I dont see the Packers just burning down the field and connecting on every single pass.  That is not the way they have been playing (save Atlanta) and it is not the way I see them playing.  Now there is the debate about whether or not they are a dome team but I just think that they are an offense that can run hot at times.  Will today be their day?  I dont know, frankly I think the pressure of the Superbowl and a solid Steelers D will mean they will struggle for at least the first quarter.
The Steelers on the other hand will be running and I just dont see the Packers dominating the run of the Steelers.  I think they will move the ball and have a better shot of scoring first.
Advantage: Packers by a nose

Defense
Everyone is talking about BJ Raji and Clay Mathews on the Packers and Troy Polomalu on the Steelers.  In my mind that means that these three guys are basically going to be nullified from the game.  They will make their plays but everyone will have such a close eye on them that they wont be game changers.  Give me Harrison and his mean streak to hit Rogers and get him rattled, scare him a bit.  Nobody is saying how big before Mathews there was Harrison, why has everyone forgot about the one of the premier pass rushers in the league?  As the Packer drop back to pass for the 50th time, look for Harrison to be a consistent presence in the backfield either smashing up or cussing out Rogers.
Advantage: Steelers

Special Teams
Screw special teams.....uhhhh.....Packers?
Advantage: Packers....definitely the packers

Intangibles
Well here are just a couple of quick hit thoughts that I think about the game:

• I will always regret that the Vikings let Mike Tomlin leave, he is one of the best coaches in the game and I think he gives a mental edge to the Steelers.
• Woodson might have a good game but I havent heard his name called a lot this year, I dont know where I stand with him but the Packers secondary is solid.
• Clay Mathews sucks, he has no skill and ability they just let him rush the passer.  He is the beneficiary of a good system and I do not see him doing hardly anything next year.  He is not the next Freeney.
• For some reason I would feel more comfortable if Jeff Reed was still on the Steelers, this Suisham guy is going to shank one I think.
• If the Packers win it will continue the trend of low seeds winning but buck the trend of the AFC's most recent dominance.
• I like how the Steelers are the underdog, I think that is just going to play to their advantage and really give them a boost so they play angry out there.
• When it comes to the Packers, everyone is talking about Lombardi but nobody is talking about McCarthy.  I dont think he is going to pull a move that takes a lot of onions today.
• Both teams have had a lot of injuries, I dont think it is a big factor.

My Bet
Well at the time of writing this the spread has dropped to Packers -3.  I like the Steelers in this game and I like them to win outright by a touchdown because the Packers score something in garbage time followed by a failed onside attempt.  I think the Steelers will be up from beginning to end, the Packers just unable to make the one or two plays that they need to really get into it.  The over under is at 46 and I like the under even though the last time these two played it was a shoot out.  I am seeing two good defenses and a big ass stadium, that spells the under to me.