True Blood Truly Blows

The vampire genre burst onto the scene with such speed and fervor it was reminiscent of being in a car accident; it all just happened so fast.  Whether or not the increase in popularity was a calculated move by major movie and television studios or simply the natural recycling of things - like the cutoff point for when retro clothing becomes cool again - I simply do not know.  What I do know though is that from Vampire Diaries to Daybreakers and Twilight to True Blood, vampires have become so widespread that vampire porn is even popular (a measure of success proven by Avatar porn).  Most of these shows or movies are instilled with the concept of a modern vampire, displacing the old thinking of capes and coffins.  This isn't necessarily a bad thing, I mean the old Dracula had about as much a shot of becoming a porno as Frankenstein did.  This new interpretation though, has been handled differently by different sources creating varying degrees of success.  Twilight seems to have done for vampires what Harry Potter did for wizards, while Vampire Diaries and True Blood allow us to get our weekly vampire fix.  I have not seen everything released during this craze (Twilight completely passed me by somehow) but have seen enough that with strong conviction I feel I can say that True Blood truly blows.

This guy's porn career never got off the ground, a shame really

True Blood debuted on HBO in 2008 and is set on the "The Southern Vampire Mysteries" book series by Charleine Harris (hooray for creative book titles!).  The series takes place in a fictional town in Louisiana (the "southern") in a world where Vampires (the "vampire") and humans coexist as a result of the creation of True Blood, an artificial drink that allows vampires to get their sustenance without feeding on humans (but sometimes they do creating "mysteries").  The concept of humans and vampires living in some sort of harmony might not be as radical as the vampire controlled world of Daybreakers, but it is interesting none the less.  Unfortunately the concept of the show is about as interesting as it gets because the execution is just frustrating at times.

SERIOUSLY?  Sunlight on the skin?  It would be funny if he wasn't talking about laundry detergent, HEYO!

The characters of the show run from the mundane to the stereotypical.  The main character is Sookie Stackhouse who, aside from being a darling little waitress, turns out to be telepathic!  Despite her christian upbringing and virgin status as a result of not being able to stomach young boys' dirty thoughts, she ends up falling in love with Vampire Bill.  Not only that, but she quickly sleeps with him in a matter of days AND lets him feed on her because it is so relaxing that she cannot hear his thoughts....you know, because he is probably thinking dirty thoughts about having sex with her and drinking her blood!  They are both backwards and poorly acted characters and they are terrible to observe on their own and WORSE to watch when they are together.  The rest of the characters are almost comical in their inspiration from the homely, grandmother that raised the kids, to the dumb and womanizing brother to the well read but angry black woman with the alcoholic mother. 

The vampire characters are almost non-existent and equally uninspired with their place in society.  Though this is a world where vampires and humans are supposed to be coexisting, every vampire introduced seems to be a blood thirsty, hell bringer content to do what they want, when they want...because that is what vampires have always done.  Many vampires do however seem content to just feed off someone during sex without killing them so maybe that is how we get along now.  So the show basically portrays vampires as blood machines or sex craved blood machines....which is something I swear I have seen before somewhere but I just cant put my finger on it. It is almost as if the writers decided that this show probably wont be picked up so why bother trying to figure it out, waste of time.

See, vampire have been that way since before there was color...SINCE BEFORE COLOR!!

The show just doesnt work from concept to conclusion.  In the show vampires have lived among humans in secret for years and are just now revealing themselves to us as a result of the Japanese invention of True Blood.  Firstly, how the hell did the Japanese find out about the vampires?  Why did they not tell anyone about the vampires?  Why is the first reaction to finding out that vampires do in fact exist, to make blood for them?  And why would a vampire pay money for an inferior blood product when they used to be getting blood for free?  NOTHING ABOUT THE MAIN CONCEPT OF THE SHOW MAKES ANY SENSE!!

I'm sure this movie didn't make much sense either but it is not on trial right now

I tried to just watch the show and say, "Screw it, vampires are cool!" but there is only so much I can handle.  This lack of foresight and poor idea development is the one constant in the show, consistently raising my blood pressure.  Another one of the shows ideas delved into from the start, is that vampire blood is this miracle of miracles....just no one seems to know yet.  Turns out the blood has incredible healing powers able to bring you back from near death AND heighten senses among other things.  Something like this might be useful knowledge except for the fact that the vampires dont want humans to know so that they dont come around looking to harvest vampire blood (you know, turn the tables as the vampires are the ones usually doing the killing).  This is at least a neat idea and it kind of makes sense why vampires want to keep it a secret; except for the fact that vampire blood is also the hippest new drug for the people.  They call it V and all the cool kids are doing it.  So by the third or fourth episode the show changed its mind and decided that vampire blood is better if everyone knows about it AND it can do almost anything instead of just one thing.  Through the first season it was used as a Viagra substitute, a Valium substitute and Heroine substitute along with magic healer and sense enhancer.  None of these happened at the same time though and instead V seems to be used to do what writers want, nay what they need, to bring a story to conclusion.

After taking a bite out of crime I mellow out by taking a bite out of some vampire.

Another major gripe with the show is the constant focus on having sex with a vampire.  This is a running theme throughout the show and other than it being on HBO I can't tell why.  The term "Fang-Banger" is coined and word on the street is that if you are looking for a good time dial 1-900-VAMPIRE (someone should call this number because I am quite curious what is on the other line).  Maxim magazine is even quoted as saying sex with a vampire is one of the top ten things to do before you die.  It is a polarizing issue amongst the community as most think it is unholy to sleep with a vampire.  The whole situation feels awkward and forced though, a situation made ever more apparent when after being presumed dead Vampire Bill rises from the graveyard and IMMEDIATELY has sex with Sookie.  In the Graveyard.  Covered in dirt.  His move was to extend an arm from the ground like a zombie and grab Sookie's ankle.  If that moves doesn't work I don't know what will.  Lame-o.

Turns out the answer is as expensive as I was expecting but not as exciting as I was expecting

There is so much more that I have problems with, from the apparent irrelevance that the show takes place in the deep south, to the stupid love triangles and romantic interactions, all the way to the revelation that there are more than just vampires that go bump in the night.  The thing that bothers me the most though has to be the strong emphasis on vampire sex.  For HBO to ruin the fine genre that is vampire porn is something that I will not stand for nor tolerate.  I do not think it is a stretch to say at all that any single vampire porn is way better than True Blood.  From story to acting to setting I would bet my life on it because True Blood is truly bloody awful (you see what I did there?  Clever as ever).

Quality programing I'm sure, the production value is "high" so it HAS to be good!

One of HBO's flagship programs being absolutely terrible...What's up with that?